Unhelpful Recipes: Penis Cake or How to Make a Penis Cake When it Turns Out You’re Actually Kind of a Prude

My dear friend had a birthday this weekend and I, wanting to help out with any party planning, offered to bake the cake.

We knew the cake should be something kind of quirky and fun (much like the birthday girl) so, when someone suggested a penis cake, I committed to making it happen.

My problems with the phallic dessert popped up right off the bat (OMG there is going to be so much unintentional wordplay in this post). I couldn’t decide whether to go with a tray of mini penes, which I had tackled in the past, or if I should go with one large, party-sized wang.

I mean, logistically, without a dedicated penis pan, it was going to be troublesome; not because I couldn’t figure out the various shapes and whatnot, but because the more time I spent thinking about the details, the tackier and trashier I felt it was becoming.

I made the mistake of googling some example dick cakes and, while impressive, it’s hard to find fondant foreskins, sugary veins, and chocolate sprinkle pubic hair all that appetizing.

So instead, I went with a more subtle nod to the junk, rather than a fully erect birthday surprise. I decided to do a play on the part of a man’s junk that has the most room for humour: his nuts.

Double Layer (Pea)Nut Cake with Chocolate Penis Topping

I found a recipe for a peanut butter cake in grandmother’s well-worn Betty Crocker cookbook. I liked the idea of the juxtaposition of something naughty coming from the picture of 1950’s female oppression. Imagine the impropriety of a well-respected housewife baking something so titillating! Goodness!

The recipe made two 9″ cakes, which were perfect for stacking.

Once baked and cooled, I spread a peanutty layer in between the two cakes and stacked them matrimonially one upon the other.

Next I draped the whole thing in a liberal spread of chocolate buttercream.


Here’s where the real penis element came in.

In a double boiler, I melted a few squares of dark baker’s chocolate. Then, on a sheet of parchment, I drizzled a few dicks as well as some well wishes for the lady of the hour.

I thought “Go Nuts Chloe” was an apt expression to adorn the cake.


Once the chocolate was set, I took the best pieces and placed them on the top.

The one penis though…I knew it wouldn’t be quite enough. So, with a little more peanut butter use as glue, I attached the rest.

I really like how the chocolate remained still enough to protrude off the cake in such an erect fashion. I think it really got the point across in a sweet, subtle, and hilarious way.

What do you think? Classy, right?


Bachelorette Part Deux

Well, it’s one week later and I can officially say the Bachelorette (and corresponding wedding) went over fabulously.

Although there were the expected hiccups that go along with planning an event remotely, at a destination in a foreign location, with a number of guests whom you’ve never met, it seemed to be an enjoyable night for all in attendance.

We started the evening with a Bridesmaids dinner at a fancy-schmancy Italian restaurant. I had tuna tartare and it was to DIE for.

Get in my belly!
Get in my belly!

We followed it up with a couple hours of silly Bachelorette games played with nearly all of the women who were invited to the wedding, including the mothers, Nana, aunts, and some close friends.

I had done some Googling for ideas prior to the wedding and borrowed some game inspiration from other Bloggers (The Thread Affect and Jane’s Girl Designs).

I re-created the games I liked to match the theme of the party and went with Dirty Scattegories and But Why?, a game about traditions.

Dirty Scattegories
Dirty Scattegories View the original here.
But Why?
But Why? View the original here.

Click the links for the printable PDFs of my versions of  But Why?  and Dirty Scattegories.

Another of the fabulous Bridesmaids coordinated a game of He Said/She Said wherein the bride had to guess the groom’s responses to a number of fun and risque questions. She also lead the game for which all guests were asked to gift a pair of saucy panties to the bride, who then had to guess from whom each pair came.

(Excuse the grainy cell pic.)

The Panty Game
The Panty Game

I had also made some sparkly clothes pegs for a game of forbidden words (Bride, Groom, Ring, and Dress). Everyone started with two pegs and were meant to steal each others’ when caught saying one of the forbidden words. I don’t know if we all were enjoying our drinks too much to pay attention, but the game didn’t go over as planned and there wasn’t much stealing that happened.

Clothes Pegs with Pizzaz
Clothes Pegs with Pizzaz

Just for fun, I had made a “BEFORE/AFTER” sign for folks to hold for pictures at the beginning and end of the night. We caught the fun BEFORE shot, but after? Not so much.

Bride Before
Bride Before (isn’t she gorgeous?)

Ah well, the best laid plans, right? At least it’s because we were all enjoying ourselves too much to be bothered with posed pictures. The one above catches the bling we all donned, including gold and purple party beads, coloured sticky rhinestones on our faces, and the bride rocked a sparkly pink veil- made by yours truly.

We capped the night off with stops at several of the watering holes at the resort and overall had a fun night of sillyness and bonding that was a great way to start off the week of wedding events and tropical vacationing.