Unhelpful Recipes: Penis Cake or How to Make a Penis Cake When it Turns Out You’re Actually Kind of a Prude

My dear friend had a birthday this weekend and I, wanting to help out with any party planning, offered to bake the cake.

We knew the cake should be something kind of quirky and fun (much like the birthday girl) so, when someone suggested a penis cake, I committed to making it happen.

My problems with the phallic dessert popped up right off the bat (OMG there is going to be so much unintentional wordplay in this post). I couldn’t decide whether to go with a tray of mini penes, which I had tackled in the past, or if I should go with one large, party-sized wang.

I mean, logistically, without a dedicated penis pan, it was going to be troublesome; not because I couldn’t figure out the various shapes and whatnot, but because the more time I spent thinking about the details, the tackier and trashier I felt it was becoming.

I made the mistake of googling some example dick cakes and, while impressive, it’s hard to find fondant foreskins, sugary veins, and chocolate sprinkle pubic hair all that appetizing.

So instead, I went with a more subtle nod to the junk, rather than a fully erect birthday surprise. I decided to do a play on the part of a man’s junk that has the most room for humour: his nuts.

Double Layer (Pea)Nut Cake with Chocolate Penis Topping

I found a recipe for a peanut butter cake in grandmother’s well-worn Betty Crocker cookbook. I liked the idea of the juxtaposition of something naughty coming from the picture of 1950’s female oppression. Imagine the impropriety of a well-respected housewife baking something so titillating! Goodness!

The recipe made two 9″ cakes, which were perfect for stacking.

Once baked and cooled, I spread a peanutty layer in between the two cakes and stacked them matrimonially one upon the other.

Next I draped the whole thing in a liberal spread of chocolate buttercream.


Here’s where the real penis element came in.

In a double boiler, I melted a few squares of dark baker’s chocolate. Then, on a sheet of parchment, I drizzled a few dicks as well as some well wishes for the lady of the hour.

I thought “Go Nuts Chloe” was an apt expression to adorn the cake.


Once the chocolate was set, I took the best pieces and placed them on the top.

The one penis though…I knew it wouldn’t be quite enough. So, with a little more peanut butter use as glue, I attached the rest.

I really like how the chocolate remained still enough to protrude off the cake in such an erect fashion. I think it really got the point across in a sweet, subtle, and hilarious way.

What do you think? Classy, right?


3 thoughts on “Unhelpful Recipes: Penis Cake or How to Make a Penis Cake When it Turns Out You’re Actually Kind of a Prude

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